Reader weighs telling family secrets in Baltimore County Herald advice column

Sixty years. That is how long a Baltimore County reader says she has kept a specific family mystery to herself. In a letter to R. Eric Thomas, a Philadelphia-based advice columnist, she described two brothers with complicated pasts. The older brother, now deceased, had a daughter when he was a teenager. Only the letter writer knows about this child.

The younger brother presented a different challenge. The letter writer stated that he molested her niece, who is the daughter of her older brother, over an eight-year period. The younger brother has no children of his own, and his wife does not know about the abuse. She has asked why her husband has no relationship with the rest of the family.

The letter writer, signing as “Sister With Secrets,” said she originally planned to take both secrets to her grave. She asked Thomas for his opinion on whether she should tell the older brother’s family about the daughter and whether she should tell the younger brother’s wife about the abuse.

Thomas responded by distinguishing between the two situations. He called the molestation a crime rather than just a secret. He noted that if the niece did not ask the letter writer to keep the secret, she had an obligation to speak the truth. Thomas said the family’s decision to distance themselves from the younger brother protected the niece but did not address the root problem. He advised the letter writer to tell the younger brother’s wife, stating that the wife needs to know who she married.

Regarding the older brother’s daughter, Thomas pointed out that genetic testing increasingly reveals unknown family connections. He encouraged the letter writer to share the information so the family could decide if they wanted to find their half-sibling. He noted that people often regret lost time when they discover relatives they did not know they had.

In the same column, a reader named “Civic Engagement” wrote about school board elections. The reader argued that serving on a Board of Education is not dependent on having children in the school system. They described board members as elected officials responsible for overseeing budgets and educational priorities. The reader said communities need younger residents to become involved and ask difficult questions about how taxpayer dollars are spent.

Another reader, “City Mouse,” shared their own experience of moving from small-town Indiana to Chicago after college. They described their parents’ attempts to intervene in their life choices. The reader, who is now 69, said their parents are still living at age 87. They advised a previous letter writer to accept that their adult children make their own decisions.

Thomas responded to both letters. He thanked “Civic Engagement” for the perspective on school board service. He told “City Mouse” that healthy familial relationships involve acknowledging that loved ones may make different choices than the parents would. Thomas, who answers questions at eric@askingeric.com, published these responses in his weekly column.